My Life Annotated

Blogging about things big and small, MLA-style


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The things we don’t say

I was thinking about how we hide so much of ourselves from people, even those we are close to. When I am feeling down, I rarely tell even my closest friends the true reasons. I will usually say something along the lines of, “I just didn’t sleep well”, “I’m stressed”…the easy answers. Because to admit the real reasons would be to reveal some of my deepest insecurities and long-held wishes, in short to be vulnerable. This is what my TRUE answer would be if someone asked me why today is a grey day:

1) I feel FAT. I see these awesome colored jeans and leather jackets that I want to wear but know I would look awful in. I feel that my real taste and style doesn’t come through because I can’t rock the more boyish/casual looks an have to overcompensate by always looking dressy.

2) all my friends are getting engaged or married, and no one had asked me out in the last few months. I always seemed to get passed over for thin, gorgeous girls. Is that what it takes to be worthy of affection and companionship? A supermodel body and the face of a princess???

3) there are days when I think my students hate me or don’t appreciate the effort I put in.

4) there are days when I wonder whether I’m as smart as I always thought I was or if I’m just genetically inferior.

5) I get winded too soon going up the stairs. Mortifying.

6) no one seems to want to hang out with me at the weekend.

7) being a non-citizen really sucks sometimes. I am reminded of it every time I see colleagues filling a position I was initially asked to fill but couldn’t due to immigration law.

8) guys and their histories. Why was the guy I went out with for nearly three years unable to get over his ex? Why can’t I be ever be the unforgettable ex? Ugh!

9) I feel immoral. Sometimes I see my own sloth, laziness and greed and I am sickened by my weak nature

10) I hate the sinking low that comes a few days after having a group of people over. After the incredible high, the crash is inevitable and painful.


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Back!

The flurry of the first days of a new term and some minor sickness have conspired to keep me away from my blog and left me feeling less than motivated.

“Do what needs to be done” restars tomorrow – 9 days left! – and as soon as I’m better, the fitness/running thing will also take off again.

Louise


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Want and do

We want so many things.

We want a tight dream body

..but we’re eating chips and sleeping in.

We want to excel in school and work…

…but we’re watching our favourite TV show…and 3 others.

We want to live luxurious lifestyles…eat at fancy restaurants, wear luxury fabrics, buy expensive purses, sleep between pure silk sheets…

…but we’ve got no money to pay the bills.

We want a guy who treats us like a princess

…but we don’t treat ourselves like princesses.

We want a guy who meets every bullet point on our checklist…

…but never ask if WE meet the criteria on his.

We want to have great friendships

…but we never ask our friends over for dinner.

We want to be loved

BUT WE DON’T LOVE OURSELVES.

Today, do what you want to be.


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Absence and growth

Today, I am proud to have acomplished what I wanted, even though these were only little things, especially because I felt really sad today. I don’t like to admit it because I feel pathetic, but this is the one space where I can really be honest with myself.

I tihnk it’s a sadness that comes with the resolve to change. The first phase of change is letting go of something – and even if that something was a bad thing, it is still a loss that leaves us acutely aware of a lack, an emptiness that hasn’t yet been filled. Perhaps you’re letting go of sugary or fatty foods, perhaps you’re letting go of a habit of watching TV shows late at night, or perhaps, like me, you’re letting go of a relationship. I know that I’m letting go because I want better things for myself, but I’m still grieving the loss. I think this is why so many people lose the resolve within the first few days or week – we want somtehing to seal the space immediately, because getting rid of a habit is, in essence, getting rid of a part of ourselves. And it’s painful to feel fragmented until we start to sew ourselves back together again.

I’m going to grieve but I’m not going back. But I’m only going to let go of this for the time being. There are so many things I want to let go of. Overeating, underexercising, procrastinating…but terrible habits though these may be, they are a part of me and I can only lose so much of myself at a time. I think another reason why people give up on their goals is that they try to change too much, all at once. It’s tempting beause we want to be disciplined and become our best selves, but I think that we can only reaach those big goals with small, patient steps.

Right now, while I feel his absence, I choose to do little things, little things to keep me afloat and slowly incorporate new ways of living.


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Do what needs to be done: Day #4

It is a bright sunny day and I woke up before 8 am.

Today I –

  1. Got ready for the first day of classes (went to meetings, prepared lesson and lecture, got books, got into the right frame of mind)
  2. Checked my budget
  3. Met one new guy

 

The last one needs a little explaining, since I am still committed to remaining single until I feel good in myself. The point of meeting new guys (5-10 a week) is not for romance or sex. The idea is for me to become comfortable just interacting with guys as people, something that I never really did, and to get comfortable with it, possibly enjoying a light inconsequential flirtation. The perosn I want to be is a good flirt: knows how to engage people, spark a conversation and is all about appreciating the common ground she can find – and she NEVER settles for someone who doesn’t treat her with respect because she isn’t insecure and knows that there are plenty of great guys in her circle who would treat her welll.

Have a great day,

Louise