I was thinking about how we hide so much of ourselves from people, even those we are close to. When I am feeling down, I rarely tell even my closest friends the true reasons. I will usually say something along the lines of, “I just didn’t sleep well”, “I’m stressed”…the easy answers. Because to admit the real reasons would be to reveal some of my deepest insecurities and long-held wishes, in short to be vulnerable. This is what my TRUE answer would be if someone asked me why today is a grey day:
1) I feel FAT. I see these awesome colored jeans and leather jackets that I want to wear but know I would look awful in. I feel that my real taste and style doesn’t come through because I can’t rock the more boyish/casual looks an have to overcompensate by always looking dressy.
2) all my friends are getting engaged or married, and no one had asked me out in the last few months. I always seemed to get passed over for thin, gorgeous girls. Is that what it takes to be worthy of affection and companionship? A supermodel body and the face of a princess???
3) there are days when I think my students hate me or don’t appreciate the effort I put in.
4) there are days when I wonder whether I’m as smart as I always thought I was or if I’m just genetically inferior.
5) I get winded too soon going up the stairs. Mortifying.
6) no one seems to want to hang out with me at the weekend.
7) being a non-citizen really sucks sometimes. I am reminded of it every time I see colleagues filling a position I was initially asked to fill but couldn’t due to immigration law.
8) guys and their histories. Why was the guy I went out with for nearly three years unable to get over his ex? Why can’t I be ever be the unforgettable ex? Ugh!
9) I feel immoral. Sometimes I see my own sloth, laziness and greed and I am sickened by my weak nature
10) I hate the sinking low that comes a few days after having a group of people over. After the incredible high, the crash is inevitable and painful.